hello saturday. today we have things planned, which is quite unusual for a saturday. we are celebrating all people on my side of the family who's birthday was in september and in october. i love all these people so much and am usually happy to host these parties. today is filled with even more excitement.

my aunt is coming. this wonderful person found out recently that she is loosing the battle to cancer. she's not the first to hear this. she's not the first i've know to go through this. yet i feel my emotions are strung high when it comes to my sweet aunt. how can one feel this way when i truly only see her maybe twice a year? because she thoroughly enjoys living and is having that taken away.

i believe most of my emotions rest upon the thoughts of how unfair things are. i know we are all given our own trials, but when i know of two people who could switch places, one with the other.... alas. it cannot be. here is my dying aunt who loves life. lives to the fullest. enjoys company. involves herself in this world. freely gives her beautiful self to the world. and then there is my mother. a wonderful person who has been given chance after chance regarding her health and still refuses to love life. refuses to live it to the fullest. refuses to enjoy company. refuses to involve herself in the world. selfishly hides her beautiful self from the world. it wasn't always this way, but i think that makes it worse.

i'm not saying i want my mother dead. i'm simply saying, why? why do things have to be this way? i know we don't stop repeating the lessons unless we are ready to pass the class. if this is the case, my mother will continue living, ...but NOT living... and never learn. how sad. i feel for her in all the emotions my body can hold. i love both my aunt and my mother.

i just wish they both could find a way to live.