Finish What Ya Start

i have fabric that has been waiting to become a pillow for nearly 3 years now. i have pictures that need to be hung, paint that is waiting to be put on a wall, and closets that are screaming at me wanting to be organized.

i've spoken on resistance and in turn effort. but what about procrastination? non-dedication? laziness? or is it just plain getting side-tracked? who knows. i certainly don't. i only know that i've found a new motto that seems to fit every subject and seems to help me trudge along.

finish what you start.

sounds easy, right? perhaps for some it is. me, on the other hand, i find it not so easy. i haven't found the concrete reason why i find it so hard to accomplish such a simple sounding task. perhaps it will take some time meditating over what is in my ancestrial make up that drives me to behave this way. for now, i'm trying to live by my new motto. and so far i'm finding it difficult but rewarding. it's amazing what that special word 'effort' has pressed me to do.

can you imagine if we all finished what we started? ....

Perpetual thinking

Ah, Monday. You've snuck in on my posting. What a joy to be here for the early moment that you approach. Officially, I like to look at you as the start of my week since Sunday feels more relaxing as an ending than as a beginning. I'm feeling guilt lately for not posting recently. Where does the time go?

I've had thoughts lately of becoming prepared for any disaster that may strike. Not only natural disasters, but possible emotional ones as well. This is very time consuming, and emotionally draining. I'm glad I'm not alone in this perpetual train of thinking and doing. It makes me feel better knowing there are others who see the economy as a slight scare into action.

That is all I have to say regarding this. I'm glad I'm not alone.

Change

my own fable....

the monotony of grocery shopping never seems to go away. i have a specific route i follow; first the produce in the front, to the meats along the back side wall of the store then to the back of the store to the freezer section, all to find myself weaving up and down each isle so i don't forget anything that should have been on my list.

the only variety i find of my grocery store expeditions are few extras such as a different type of cracker, cookie, or maybe an extra special sugary cereal. this day over a month ago, was no exception as i decided that instead of purchasing our traditional big-bag-variety-pack of chips for work and school lunches which includes, doritos, ruffles, fritos, etc. i would purchase the big-bag-variety-pack of sunchips for a change. wouldn't the family be so happy for a change? i weighed my decision carefully. sunchips are slightly more healthy, i thought, so it's okay if they are a bit more costly. and once again, we need some change in our lives, i thought.

along with the rest of my groceries, i brought home my new find thinking my family would be excited for the change, yet over 1 month has passed and the only person who has eaten ANY of the enthusiastically selected chips has been me. and only for the reason of knowing i didn't give my family a say in what i had chosen...simply for change.

not only did i spend more money just to have change, my family didn't really want change. and now we are all encumbered because of my quick, inept decision.

moral: re-read this and think politics.

hello saturday. today we have things planned, which is quite unusual for a saturday. we are celebrating all people on my side of the family who's birthday was in september and in october. i love all these people so much and am usually happy to host these parties. today is filled with even more excitement.

my aunt is coming. this wonderful person found out recently that she is loosing the battle to cancer. she's not the first to hear this. she's not the first i've know to go through this. yet i feel my emotions are strung high when it comes to my sweet aunt. how can one feel this way when i truly only see her maybe twice a year? because she thoroughly enjoys living and is having that taken away.

i believe most of my emotions rest upon the thoughts of how unfair things are. i know we are all given our own trials, but when i know of two people who could switch places, one with the other.... alas. it cannot be. here is my dying aunt who loves life. lives to the fullest. enjoys company. involves herself in this world. freely gives her beautiful self to the world. and then there is my mother. a wonderful person who has been given chance after chance regarding her health and still refuses to love life. refuses to live it to the fullest. refuses to enjoy company. refuses to involve herself in the world. selfishly hides her beautiful self from the world. it wasn't always this way, but i think that makes it worse.

i'm not saying i want my mother dead. i'm simply saying, why? why do things have to be this way? i know we don't stop repeating the lessons unless we are ready to pass the class. if this is the case, my mother will continue living, ...but NOT living... and never learn. how sad. i feel for her in all the emotions my body can hold. i love both my aunt and my mother.

i just wish they both could find a way to live.

resistance

i could go on, and actually planned to start this with the definition of resistance. i also had hopes of making this an ode to resistance. instead, i plan to lay this out. display my lost energy on this word. write the similarities of resistance and friction. all in an effort to help my own self understand why i resist doing the things that i know i should. working-out, eating right, keeping house, writing thank yous, finishing college, ...a whole bunch of 'shoulda-coulda's' go in this list.

why is it we as human beings have such intelligent minds, but resist using them to their full capacity? why do we make things harder than need be? why can't i have a hard time resisting broccoli and vegetables, and despise chocolate? is it desire? do i need more desire or change my desires to rid myself of the ailment of resistance? no. i could desire millions but not get anywhere by desiring.

i guess resistance is what keeps us from all being equal. resistance keeps us learning about ourselves. because we'd all be at the top of the 'work ladder' if it were easy to climb. we'd never grow stronger physically or mentally without resistance. we'd never feel like we did anything to be proud of if it didn't take effort.

effort.

i like that word. it sounds like a cleaning product or a mouth wash. a wonderful word to use against resistance. perhaps, with a little effort all my resistance will wipe away like soap scum after using zoom or bam. effort. the way to battle resistance... and gingivitis.

effort. a verb. an action word.
effort. people should try this more.
effort. my new word to replace resistance.

Nostalgia

good morning monday. 6:30am.....again. it's okay, i secretly look forward to the uninterrupted between-the-two-of-us time.

this morning was cool enough for me to turn on the heat and when the familiar, yet forgotten aroma of warm air came up through the vents, it sent memories to the surface of my mind. memories of childhood. memories of fall and winter. memories of warmth in the cool. even memories of hot cocoa sprung in my head.

i love fall.

once life sprang to the house, and my two eldest plodded down the stairs, they brought even more nostalgia of smells and sights as they each found an air vent and curled up over and around it with a blanket. memories of my childhood skipped through my head as i recollected images of a cold little girl curling up around a heating vent with a blanket; soaking in the warmth of that air.

i love fall.

hello saturday. i greet you this morning at 6:30am being awakened by my youngest. this is a normal occurrence yet each day i wish it weren't. all of my children have been early risers and even though i've never been able to sleep in past 10, i'd at least like the chance to try.

saturdays are the day of inconsistency in our household. the day for spontaneity. the day for leisure or work. hard core play or hard core boredom. -who am i kidding. with 4 children life is anything but boring. i simply love saturdays for the family jamboree but sometimes i wish there were a bit more order in the shape of our saturdays. perhaps the lack of structure is to help me enjoy the other 6 days of the week for what they are.

what do i have planned for such an overcast day? cleaning. chores. cuddling. perhaps an outing to the movies. an outing to the book store. no matter what this day brings, i plan on spending time with the people my heart belongs to, and that is what makes a saturday wonderful.

Mother bird

My children are behaving with contentious spirit today as we prepare for school. In an attempt to escape from the mood, I looked out our window longingly. In my escape, I found birds upon our wall in the back yard, and had hope. I wonder though, if the little bird-children fight with one another, make messes, and if they are selfish and lazy. I think for a day, I'd like to be a bird so I could fly away anytime my children drove me insane, excusing myself as I say it's so I can get food for the little dears. Wouldn't it be fun to feed your children worms? It would be as much punishment as spinach. These are the types of pressing thoughts that I'm happy I can have escape into the void.

falling colors

as if the season tries to deceive and otherwise make us believe. autumn covers her crisp and chilly air with the warmth of falling colors. shame on you autumn, for making me feel all a glow as i become entranced by the beauty of falling colors. i know in my heart what trickery lies ahead as you slowly allow your falling colors. just as the warm colors fade into grey...

...so do you dear autumn.