overwhelment, time, and attention

you know how everyone runs around thinking there is "just NOT enough time" in a day? Lately, time isn't the only thing theres a shortage of in our home. love? oh, there's enough love. apparently, there isn't enough attention for 2 adults to pass around to 4 children.

we have had crazy bouts of kids doing wacky things to get some of that valuable stuff. crying. doing naughty things like throwing socks on high ledges or drawing on walls. getting onto the computer desk while i'm typing and hitting the back-space button on the mouse so i lose everything i was writing. getting nose bleeds. screaming. clinging. moving slower than a turtle on homework. tattle telling. we even have one kid who repeatedly has gotten fevers for the past 5 days and has decided the couch in our bedroom is her new bed — see how desperate they are?!

branden and i feel like we've done a pretty good job of doing things with the kids. even if we sit down to watch a show, it's family friendly so everyone can cuddle together on the couch but apparently this isn't enough. perhaps it's the change in atmosphere. see, i got a job. i work from home but maybe this is what is causing children to literally throw themselves at our feet (or wrap their arms around our leg and won't let go).

so the question is, how do you spend more time and give more attention to your little ones when you are already on overload and going to bed at midnight? how do you make it possible when there are already dishes with crusted on food to be washed, or a pile of laundry that makes jumping into leaves look like something for sissies. where is the balance between household attention and attention toward the loves of your life? where do you find time for that special one-on-one stuff? where do you find time for attention from your spouse? where do you find time for yourself?

now that I have placed this into the void, maybe an answer will come. or more than one answer if we're lucky.

rebellion

should i do it?
do i dare?
consequences?
eh, i don't care.
what would they think?
my intentions are smug?
if everyone knew...
i drink milk from the jug?

hmmmm.....

dot. dot. dot. i've been using these a lot.
dot. dot. dot. i wonder what it means.
could it be. dot. dot. dot.
i'm hesitating? dot. dot. dot.
hoping for the words to come?

...

perhaps. dot.
perhaps not. dot.

monday...

good morning monday. my, how quickly you trail behind the weekend. today you get an added title, as it's president's day. how does that make you feel?
i wonder if it makes you feel extra important ...usually in the world of humans when given extra titles, we feel extra important. mother, businessman, teacher, spouse, etc.
i wonder if it makes you feel less important ...sometimes in the world of humans, when we accept different titles thinking it will make us have more prestige, we aren't being true to ourselves, get lost in the title and forget who we really are and others forget who we are by treating us differently. truly, i believe this would be the truth when it comes to you and this 'special' title since some people are taking the day *off*. you are normally the start of the week, the day that won't allow people to sleep in, the day that begins repetition and structure... now because of this title, your persona for repetition and structure are forgotten by some.
i, for one, will not be allowing you to live a personal lie, my title is mother and there are only rare occasions where this title gets to take the backburner to another one. so count on me to stay on top of the daily routine and keep (what we call) structure about the home.

red trolly

so i'm sitting here in san diego. watching the red trolly from my room, i wonder about the people it carries to and fro. i've heard it can take you to the border and i wonder how many people are actually looking to go there.

we all have borders, how do you know that this red trolly will take you to the right one? the border of sanity? insanity? the border of joy? frustration? freedom? safety? trust? and what if you pass the border? is it easy to step back over that invisible line that has been set up as boundaries?

as i sit here in san diego, i wonder about the types of people who get on this red trolly. i wonder about the real borders they are willing to cross. i wonder how many of them take the red trolly back.

living

hello tuesday! ...at least what's left of you. i've been away for quite some time and have come to realize i miss sharing my thoughts. i miss looking at these clean white, pristine pages of words that fall out of my head, through my fingertips, onto the keyboard, and up on the screen.

where have i been? no where in particular. just being there without being here.

what have i been up to? nothing in particular. attending to others needs as well as my own.

who have i been with? loved ones. and that is why where i've been and what i've been doing aren't important. i've been living and that's what matters.

finish what ya start

i have fabric that has been waiting to become a pillow for nearly 3 years now. i have pictures that need to be hung, paint that is waiting to be put on a wall, and closets that are screaming at me wanting to be organized.

i've spoken on resistance and in turn effort. but what about procrastination? non-dedication? laziness? or is it just plain getting side-tracked? who knows. i certainly don't. i only know that i've found a new motto that seems to fit every subject and seems to help me trudge along.

finish what you start.

sounds easy, right? perhaps for some it is. me, on the other hand, i find it not so easy. i haven't found the concrete reason why i find it so hard to accomplish such a simple sounding task. perhaps it will take some time meditating over what is in my ancestrial make up that drives me to behave this way. for now, i'm trying to live by my new motto. and so far i'm finding it difficult but rewarding. it's amazing what that special word 'effort' has pressed me to do.

can you imagine if we all finished what we started? ....