the guard

there is a guard posted deep within an establishment who finds himself in a predicament. you see, this guard's company has recently received new management. if you were to ask the guard, he would tell you he personally is of the opinion that it was a hostile takeover, and is not a fan of this corporate restructuring. 

why; you ask, is the guard less than enthusiastic? i will happily explain on the guard's behalf, beginning with what the guard's life was like prior to the upheaval. 

for years and years, our stalwart sentry would stand at his post, and occasionally, he would be called by management to come grab a box or a stack of files to bring to the room where he stands guard. his instructions were simple. place the information in the room—it didn't matter where—and make certain no one disturbed what was inside. 

this room was full of stacks and stacks of, who-knows-what, that the upper management deemed something they would address later. in all the years our loyal friend stood at his post outside the door, no one came to confront the ever-growing piles. 

the sentry often wondered what he was guarding. there had been stories, of course; reports of business where management had allowed another company to overstep its bounds. questionable transactions that had been explained away, policies that had been violated but deemed isolated incidents. the devoted attendant rightly deduced that he was the keeper of the many times where management reviewed the matter just long enough to decide no immediate action was necessary, boxed up the report, and sent it downstairs for no one to visit the contents again.

who was he to judge how the establishment was conducting business? those decisions were above his pay grade, and frankly, the guard had it easy watching over stacks of boxes and paper—no matter how disorganized and cluttered that room was. and on top of that, this sentry was honored to work for an establishment that prided itself on the principles of: confidence, steadiness under pressure, discernment and intuition, strength, and dependability. the guard admired these integral principles and strived to hold to them himself. 

six months ago, there was talk. talk of an upheaval in conduct. a trusted fellow company—three, to be exact—had been exposed through a pattern of repeated breaches and ethical violations that the guard's establishment could not overlook anymore. a consultant was brought in to look around with an outsider's perspective. and that was when the guard began to suspect change was imminent, which made him nervous.  

the consultant asked many questions, and listened, and wandered down halls forgotten which helped the board of the establishment to see that strategical pivots would benefit the company immensely, and that begins with management. no one in the company expected things to move as quickly as they did, and the guard keeping his post deep within the walls had not witnessed all the changes first hand, which brought an unsettled feeling. he knew from a lifetimes of experience that transformation was uncomfortable without fail. he did not like change.

one of the most surprising moments to the guard was when the consultant began looking into the company's prided principles they lived by. the consultant uncovered discovered that the principles themselves were not the problem; no—the principles were worth holding onto. it was the methods management had been using to achieve them that needed to change. the consultant pointed out those methods had been far more costly to the company than anyone had realized:

• confidence was obtained when staying in control.
• steadiness under pressure was achieved by overriding distress.
• discernment and intuition was held so long as conclusions or understanding wasn't destabilized or inconvenient.
• strength was measured by not needing much from others.
• and dependability was achieved by overriding the company's limits. 

the guard watched and felt anxious as the company dismantled the management. change in management meant 

atmospheric activity

 i am sitting under the cover my back porch offers me from the dark clouds that are rumbling their anguish. i can't help but relate my physical tremors to the sky's lament. with no downpour or visible flashes of light, the thunder-ridden sky growls its declaration. 

i understand that sense of an immense inner atmospheric activity—instability and pressure building underneath an exterior that reveals so little. 

we are quite a pair. the sky rumbles, and i quake.

...and moments later, i find myself envious of the sky because it has found release through rain. oh, how i wish my own pressure could find such reprieve. 

flowing river

flowing river.

constant moving.

rapid turmoil.

moves into gentler flow.

life supporting either way.

a providence.

a moving energy.

through time and story.

cleansing and clearing.

softening edges.

sometimes exposing.

not eroding, but evolving.

yet continuous gifting through change..

searching through sparsely dappled light

so many thoughts run through my mind.

most complex.

several ambivalent.

many unpleasant.

i miss the days where my mind was free to wander amongst paths lit with light, or searching for buried treasure metaphors.

now it seems my mind is lost in a forest with little light where it is difficult to find my bearings, and i find myself perceiving most movement or sound through the lens of threat or trust. the interesting part is i struggle to know if i can even trust my own discernment right now. things look different when you can only see through sparsely dappled light. the information is distorted, and meaning is added to fill in the insufficient details. i don't trust my fear to tell me what is true, i don't trust my hope to tell me what is true either. ...and i certainly do not feel like i can trust the perception of someone who has become so rooted in the forest they no longer recognize that they could see more clearly by stepping into the light. i find i must take care in who shares direction. 

my mind cycles in thought—except the cycles are not complete. no. my thoughts cross over themselves, intersecting and interrupting each other. if one were to map my path through this forest, it would not reveal circles, but rather scribbles upon the page. my mind wanders restlessly, searching for something resolute. something that makes sense of the questions. 

the only thing i trust is that i know and understand myself enough to recognize that i will find my way back onto illuminated pathways once i learn to accept that my thoughts may never be resolved before stepping into the light. 

messy middle

 a lot has happened in the last six days. 

events that have brought all sorts of feelings into play, which has continued thoughts coming from many directions as well. 

not much of it is pleasant. or positive. 

but that is what i like to call the "messy middle."

the part in any good story between the space of when conflict has shown up, and the character has found personal resolution. 

the part where one questions themselves, the relationships in their lives, and what they stand for. 

the part with big emotions that are usually the ugly kind no one wants to admit they are having. 

the "messy middle" is the part of a story that not only creates transition, but gives one the opportunity for growth. we get to decide who we want to be and how we show up. it can be painful, uncomfortable, and frustrating, but all of that comes with growth. 

and interestingly, i have found for myself the sooner i stop resisting and move into acceptance, the less uncomfortable the process is. 

pausing the cacophony

 i am sitting in the mountains this a.m. on an impromptu visit. a spot in the canyon not far off from the road due to footwear not appropriate for a hike. 

the musical sound of nature, the birds, and wildlife, the bubbling sound of the river; are interrupted by passing cars. 

i find myself disturbed by the intrusion.

every now and then there is a pause in the cacophony of motors and tires. the birds and river become more pronounced—not that they ever stopped—but i was able to tune in more. 

and i would find myself more settled. grounded

as i ponder, my mind wanders to how much we fill our day with noise or thoughts passing by that are drowning out the calming and quieter input that brings a settling peace and grounding life to our daily living. 

habit disguised as the only way

 i begin my walk each morning before the sun makes a spectacle as it rises over the mountain, and while most beings are still cozy in bed. 

my footsteps create a rhythm as they carry me on my routine route to the neighborhood park. the birds sing and chatter their stories, and i am their sole listener. 

i high-five the trees that reach out to acknowledge my effort. we are celebrating the feat of overcoming my head by putting on my shoes and stepping out the door. 

as i walk my well-worn loop around the park my mind wanders to places farther and faster than my feet can carry me. i allow it to remain unleashed to explore, as i am confident in its return for check-ins.

this morning i was pulled from my habitual reverie by a runner passing me in the opposite direction. my mind staying closer due to the peculiar event, i found myself questioning why i had never traversed the path counter-wise. the thought remained for another lap. feeling adventurous, i decided to turn around and retrace my footsteps in reverse to see what the runner experienced. 

...what new world was this? within a few steps the familiar became unfamiliar. 

trees i knew by heart wore different silhouettes. cracks or lifts in the walkway announced themselves for the first time. the sunrise over the mountain, usually commanding my attention, slipped quietly and less noticed, allowing an expanse of open sky i found a new appreciation for. 

what i found as my mind settled beside me, wasn't that the park looked different, it was that i had never wondered if it could. 

this experiment seems to have somehow opened a new world of possibilities. somewhere along the way, clockwise had become the way. repeated often enough, habit had quietly disguised itself as the only option.