titanic.

i'm not certain where this post will take me, but i need a space to write. whether i end up posting this or not.... we'll see.
i could be writing this on paper, but the thoughts are flooding thru my mind and i type faster than i can write so this is the space for me at this time. bare with me. i can already feel emotions flooding in.

so last night i dreamt i was on the titanic. i was there when the ship hit the iceberg except i had the hindsight and knew it was going to happen. the strange thing is that i kept waiting for the ship to start sinking. it never did. people where also waiting for the ship to sink so people were jumping off the ship and were out swimming in the cold water hoping for a rescue. because the boat wasn't sinking, i kept running to the kitchen grabbing food and getting in my lifeboat and handing it out knowing that each time i went back on that large ship, i could be swallowed up with it. but i had to do everything i could to help. i ran myself to the point of exhaustion and as the danger became less of a threat people who stayed on the titanic were relaxing and even the people in the water seemed comfortable to stay put. but i kept on running back and forth in a wild panic. then somehow, as dreams do, my dream took a turn and the titanic was no longer in the icy waters, but beached upon a tropical island. but i still kept on running to help the people in the water.
this woman stopped me and told me i could be more help if i went to see an old woman in a hut on the side of the island. i went there, and an unknown gentleman followed. although i knew him in my dream. i remember meeting the woman and explaining our predicament but i don't remember her response, in fact, this part of my dream just kept repeating itself over and over. the only difference is sometimes the man who was with me would speak, and sometimes it would be me.

you know, this dream is soooo fitting for the way i've been doing things lately. i think this dream was a wake-up call for me. my mother ended up in the hospital last night. and although i'm glad because i know its the place she's meant to be and needs to be, i feel a panic because i didn't do all i could to save her so she wouldn't end up there. i've been running around a lot lately trying to *save* everybody that i deem needing saved. some people ask for it, some don't have a voice to ask, and some i can just plain see that they need help.

it's not the titanic i was afraid was going to sink, it is me. i don't even know who i am anymore. do i have any interest that is my own? i do, but i don't allow myself time for those interests. how many people know that i would love to be able to spend time painting or throwing clay on a pottery wheel? does anyone in this world know that if i had the money or the time i would love to learn to play the cello? no. and that's okay because its my fault. i've ignored this one call for help to go out and *save* everyone else. yet, i'm the one drowning.

i though going to a remarkable school would be for me, and maybe it is and i just can't see it yet but mostly, i'm starting to wonder how much of it was for me and how much of it was for my sister and another plot to help resuscitate people who needed it.

i took on a calling at church believing it would be great to be more involved and going on the faith that God must need me for this and i must need this. and although my attitude towards this calling has gotten better, most sundays i want to run and cry either afterward or before.

i started working because the job basically landed in my lap and we needed to get out of debt and have a little extra to fall on yet each night i dread being away from my family.

...and then the newest thing of taking in my mom. there's no other way. it has to happen both for my father and my mother.

add in the kids and all they entail, the house and all that entails, the extras like helping support my sister with her new business by accepting and horribly failing to make brochures or business cards for her or even being a shoulder to cry on for any family member, and then doing things i want to do like finding time to make sure brandon and the kids know i love them and care. once all added up, i am spent. i'm over my head with more things piling on each day and each hour of the day.

what am i thinking? why do i think it has to be me who makes everyone's problems better? what is it really about? making sure everyone knows i love them? making sure everyone loves or at least accepts me? because really, i don't know if this is really who i am. i'm not this strong to continue carrying this load. i've known this for days now, but what of my load do i give up?

the church calling? i'm too attached to the kids and they are to me as well. the school? part of this is for me so how can i give up one of the only things that i do for myself even if it is partially? work? let's see here... not making ends meet vs. having a little extra cash to spend. family? nope. house? nope. i'm lost and don't know where to go.

oh....i just got my answer....

on my knees.