this house.

have you ever felt so sick about something that you wanted to vomit? that's about where i am at right now. i have gone through this cycle many times throughout the past few months as the house we have been building has come closer to being finished.

this house.
it's beautiful.
it's big.
it's a dream house.

...it's excess. and when i step back and look around, i feel sick.

how did i win the lottery? was there something i did to deserve this? why am i so blessed as to have even the opportunity to have a home this beautiful? it's not fair and i feel ashamed sometimes. i wallow in shame from time to time because i feel guilty for taking advantage of what the world, the universe, and God has given me.

you may say it's okay. you may say i'm lucky. you may say it's in my cards, my own test, my fate.

i say... i made my bed so now i must sleep in it.

this house.
it's beautiful.
it's big.
it's a dream house.
it's my scarlet letter.

...for every time someone i love walks into it, i feel they see my sin written within the walls and on my chest. i feel their envy and it makes my heart ill. for i didn't make my home the way i did for anyone else but me. i indulged and it hurts other people and i hate myself.

i chose to make this house my refuge and it came out as an overindulgent choice of excess but like all choices, it comes with a price. not the actual cost of the home, although that makes me ill as well... it eats at my heart and gnaws at my leg, gnashing words of inadequate furniture within it's walls, or insufficient decor. will it ever be enough? i walk in a room and i first see the beauty, then i see the long list of things to be done to make it what my mind sees it to be and i am unhappy. unsatisfied. unfulfilled.

...and the guilt starts again.

this house.
it's beautiful.
it's big.
it's a dream house.
and it's my guilty conscience.

...so if you happen to walk into my home. my beautiful home. and see me smiling, gracefully trying to take your compliments, please know that i truly am berating myself inside. for i can't take the tile or the other things back to make it a more humble home. -and i don't know that my ego would've allowed me to.

empty space

lonely heart
empty space.
how to fill
not replace.
memories?
sorrow?
trinkets?
tomorrow?

no.

lonely heart
empty space.
look for joy
sun to chase.

peace.

love.

service.

hugs.

yes.

lonely heart

empty space.

temporary pain

eternal place.

search.

follow.

remember.

no longer hollow.

i woke to a singing telegram over the monitor early this morning. it's always wonderful to hear the melody that has no melody and the words that are only vowels. and even though I would love to sleep in, i find the peace that comes with early morning baby songs wonderful. intoxicating. and it fills my heart with joyous love.

water fell from the sky today.
and it rained.
someone dealt a hurtful surprise today.
and it rained.
tears fell from my eyes today.
and it rained.
took a breath as i stood outside today.
and it rained.
let the droplets cleanse my mind as I sighed today.
and it rained.
opened my eyes to see the beauty of trials today.
and it still rained.

a little rusty.

hello world wide web. it's been a while and i'm afraid i'm a little rusty. the thoughts were there but the drive to let them out hasn't been. so. we start a new. we scrape off that rust and work on expressing those thoughts in my mind that have been longing for a home instead of being forgotten and missed. *sigh* lets see if this will help me to create small masterpieces again.

the artist who colored the sky with pastels this afternoon must have been in a mood. he used his thumb to smear the clouds a couple times too many.

the land of nod

while spending a rare, yet cherished time rocking my 20 month old baby, we were exchanging nods without speaking as if he could hear my love for him and i could hear his thoughts of love for me. nods of agreement that this was a wonderful moment in time. nods of understanding that neither of us should break the silent spell. nods of appreciation that fate or destiny had a hand in putting us in a room together undisturbed for blissful bonding.