this house.

have you ever felt so sick about something that you wanted to vomit? that's about where i am at right now. i have gone through this cycle many times throughout the past few months as the house we have been building has come closer to being finished.

this house.
it's beautiful.
it's big.
it's a dream house.

...it's excess. and when i step back and look around, i feel sick.

how did i win the lottery? was there something i did to deserve this? why am i so blessed as to have even the opportunity to have a home this beautiful? it's not fair and i feel ashamed sometimes. i wallow in shame from time to time because i feel guilty for taking advantage of what the world, the universe, and God has given me.

you may say it's okay. you may say i'm lucky. you may say it's in my cards, my own test, my fate.

i say... i made my bed so now i must sleep in it.

this house.
it's beautiful.
it's big.
it's a dream house.
it's my scarlet letter.

...for every time someone i love walks into it, i feel they see my sin written within the walls and on my chest. i feel their envy and it makes my heart ill. for i didn't make my home the way i did for anyone else but me. i indulged and it hurts other people and i hate myself.

i chose to make this house my refuge and it came out as an overindulgent choice of excess but like all choices, it comes with a price. not the actual cost of the home, although that makes me ill as well... it eats at my heart and gnaws at my leg, gnashing words of inadequate furniture within it's walls, or insufficient decor. will it ever be enough? i walk in a room and i first see the beauty, then i see the long list of things to be done to make it what my mind sees it to be and i am unhappy. unsatisfied. unfulfilled.

...and the guilt starts again.

this house.
it's beautiful.
it's big.
it's a dream house.
and it's my guilty conscience.

...so if you happen to walk into my home. my beautiful home. and see me smiling, gracefully trying to take your compliments, please know that i truly am berating myself inside. for i can't take the tile or the other things back to make it a more humble home. -and i don't know that my ego would've allowed me to.