a little rusty.

hello world wide web. it's been a while and i'm afraid i'm a little rusty. the thoughts were there but the drive to let them out hasn't been. so. we start a new. we scrape off that rust and work on expressing those thoughts in my mind that have been longing for a home instead of being forgotten and missed. *sigh* lets see if this will help me to create small masterpieces again.

the artist who colored the sky with pastels this afternoon must have been in a mood. he used his thumb to smear the clouds a couple times too many.

the land of nod

while spending a rare, yet cherished time rocking my 20 month old baby, we were exchanging nods without speaking as if he could hear my love for him and i could hear his thoughts of love for me. nods of agreement that this was a wonderful moment in time. nods of understanding that neither of us should break the silent spell. nods of appreciation that fate or destiny had a hand in putting us in a room together undisturbed for blissful bonding.

titanic.

i'm not certain where this post will take me, but i need a space to write. whether i end up posting this or not.... we'll see.
i could be writing this on paper, but the thoughts are flooding thru my mind and i type faster than i can write so this is the space for me at this time. bare with me. i can already feel emotions flooding in.

so last night i dreamt i was on the titanic. i was there when the ship hit the iceberg except i had the hindsight and knew it was going to happen. the strange thing is that i kept waiting for the ship to start sinking. it never did. people where also waiting for the ship to sink so people were jumping off the ship and were out swimming in the cold water hoping for a rescue. because the boat wasn't sinking, i kept running to the kitchen grabbing food and getting in my lifeboat and handing it out knowing that each time i went back on that large ship, i could be swallowed up with it. but i had to do everything i could to help. i ran myself to the point of exhaustion and as the danger became less of a threat people who stayed on the titanic were relaxing and even the people in the water seemed comfortable to stay put. but i kept on running back and forth in a wild panic. then somehow, as dreams do, my dream took a turn and the titanic was no longer in the icy waters, but beached upon a tropical island. but i still kept on running to help the people in the water.
this woman stopped me and told me i could be more help if i went to see an old woman in a hut on the side of the island. i went there, and an unknown gentleman followed. although i knew him in my dream. i remember meeting the woman and explaining our predicament but i don't remember her response, in fact, this part of my dream just kept repeating itself over and over. the only difference is sometimes the man who was with me would speak, and sometimes it would be me.

you know, this dream is soooo fitting for the way i've been doing things lately. i think this dream was a wake-up call for me. my mother ended up in the hospital last night. and although i'm glad because i know its the place she's meant to be and needs to be, i feel a panic because i didn't do all i could to save her so she wouldn't end up there. i've been running around a lot lately trying to *save* everybody that i deem needing saved. some people ask for it, some don't have a voice to ask, and some i can just plain see that they need help.

it's not the titanic i was afraid was going to sink, it is me. i don't even know who i am anymore. do i have any interest that is my own? i do, but i don't allow myself time for those interests. how many people know that i would love to be able to spend time painting or throwing clay on a pottery wheel? does anyone in this world know that if i had the money or the time i would love to learn to play the cello? no. and that's okay because its my fault. i've ignored this one call for help to go out and *save* everyone else. yet, i'm the one drowning.

i though going to a remarkable school would be for me, and maybe it is and i just can't see it yet but mostly, i'm starting to wonder how much of it was for me and how much of it was for my sister and another plot to help resuscitate people who needed it.

i took on a calling at church believing it would be great to be more involved and going on the faith that God must need me for this and i must need this. and although my attitude towards this calling has gotten better, most sundays i want to run and cry either afterward or before.

i started working because the job basically landed in my lap and we needed to get out of debt and have a little extra to fall on yet each night i dread being away from my family.

...and then the newest thing of taking in my mom. there's no other way. it has to happen both for my father and my mother.

add in the kids and all they entail, the house and all that entails, the extras like helping support my sister with her new business by accepting and horribly failing to make brochures or business cards for her or even being a shoulder to cry on for any family member, and then doing things i want to do like finding time to make sure brandon and the kids know i love them and care. once all added up, i am spent. i'm over my head with more things piling on each day and each hour of the day.

what am i thinking? why do i think it has to be me who makes everyone's problems better? what is it really about? making sure everyone knows i love them? making sure everyone loves or at least accepts me? because really, i don't know if this is really who i am. i'm not this strong to continue carrying this load. i've known this for days now, but what of my load do i give up?

the church calling? i'm too attached to the kids and they are to me as well. the school? part of this is for me so how can i give up one of the only things that i do for myself even if it is partially? work? let's see here... not making ends meet vs. having a little extra cash to spend. family? nope. house? nope. i'm lost and don't know where to go.

oh....i just got my answer....

on my knees.

Overwhelment, Time, and Attention

you know how everyone runs around thinking there is "just NOT enough time" in a day? Lately, time isn't the only thing theres a shortage of in our home. love? oh, there's enough love. apparently, there isn't enough attention for 2 adults to pass around to 4 children.

we have had crazy bouts of kids doing wacky things to get some of that valuable stuff. crying. doing naughty things like throwing socks on high ledges or drawing on walls. getting onto the computer desk while i'm typing and hitting the back-space button on the mouse so i loose everything i was writing. getting nose bleeds. screaming. clinging. moving slower than a turtle on homework. tattle telling. we even have one kid who repeatedly has gotten fevers for the past 5 days and has decided the couch in our bedroom is her new bed. (see how desperate they are?!) ;)

branden and i feel like we've done a pretty good job of doing things with the kids. even if we sit down to watch a show, it's family friendly so everyone can cuddle together on the couch but apparently this isn't enough. perhaps it's the change in atmosphere. see, i got a job. i work from home but maybe this is what is causing children to literally throw themselves at our feet (or wrap their arms around our leg and wont let go).

so the question is, how do you spend more time and give more attention to your little ones when you are already on overload and going to bed at midnight? how do you make it possible when there is already dishes with crusted on food to be washed, or a pile of laundry that makes jumping into leaves look like something for sissies. where is the balance between household attention and attention toward the loves of your life? where do you find time for that special one-on-one stuff? where do you find time for attention from your spouse? where do you find time for yourself?

now that I have placed this into the void, maybe an answer will come. or more than one answer if we're lucky.

Rebellion

should i do it?
do i dare?
consequences?
eh, i don't care.
what would they think?
my intentions are smug?
if everyone knew..
i drink milk from the jug?

Hmmmm.....

dot. dot. dot. i've been using these a lot.
dot. dot. dot. i wonder what it means.
could it be. dot. dot. dot.
i'm hesitating? dot. dot. dot.
hoping for the words to come?

......

perhaps. dot.
perhaps not. dot.

monday...

good morning monday. my, how quickly you trail behind the weekend. today you get an added title, as it's president's day. how does that make you feel?
i wonder if it makes you feel extra important ...usually in the world of humans when given extra titles, we feel extra important. mother, businessman, teacher, spouse, etc.
i wonder if it makes you feel less important ...sometimes in the world of humans, when we accept different titles thinking it will make us have more prestige, we aren't being true to ourselves, get lost in the title and forget who we really are and others forget who we are by treating us differently. truly, i believe this would be the truth when it comes to you and this 'special' title since some people are taking the day *off*. you are normally the start of the week, the day that wont allow people to sleep in, the day that begins repetition and structure... now because of this title, your persona for repetition and structure are forgotten by some.
i, for one, will not be allowing you to live a personal lie, my title is mother and there are only rare occasions where this title gets to take the back-burner to another one. so count on me to stay on top of the daily routine and keep (what we call) structure about the home.

red trolly

so i'm sitting here in san diego. watching the red trolly from my room, i wonder about the people it carries to and fro. i've heard it can take you to the border and i wonder how many people are actually looking to go there.

we all have borders, how do you know that this red trolly will take you to the right one? the border of sanity? insanity? the border of joy? frustration? freedom? safety? trust? and what if you pass the border? is it easy to step back over that invisible line that has been set up as boundries?

as i sit here in san diego, i wonder about the types of people who get on this red trolly. i wonder about the real borders they are willing to cross. i wonder how many of them take the red trolly back.