idaho, i hate you

i need somewhere to write and this place is as good as any. i feel safe here because no one really looks here for my words and yet they are still open for anyone to see. see; that way i'm not hiding or burying my feelings, my thoughts, my choices, or my words, but they are slightly hidden. a treasure for those who might wander this way or those who chose to remember they have a map.

i don't really know what to say. i just know that i need to write. i need to express how unhappy i am and how that makes me feel empty of gratitude. how after i realize how ungrateful i am because of my misery, then comes the guilt. the shame. i become ashamed of not feeling grateful for all the good i have in my life and not being content. how ugly is that? ugly enough to be ashamed. then comes the anger. anger and disgust for my showing a weakness. disgust for being human and conforming to what man is made of. for not rising above. how ugly! how ugly.

the last two days i have been unhappy. i miss utah. i am overwhelmed at not having family near. i hate that brandon and i can't be everything and do everything for our children. i hate it. i get angry at idaho like it has personally offended me by existing. like it swooped my family and me up into the air and held us captive to spend the rest of our days here in this remote town. frustration isn't a strong enough word. overwhelmed doesn't begin to hold the feelings that i have. i know i would find things to be unhappy about in utah if we lived there. i know things wouldn't be different but it doesn't keep me from blaming the one thing i can that won't take offense.

idaho. you took my mother away from me. you took my time with her. you took my easy life where i had help running my small tribe members to and fro. you took me out of my comfort zone. you took away my security. you took my mountains! idaho, i'm angry at you and i think i might despise you. you forced me to see things from a different view. you made me see that slowing down is good. you forced me to find a new way of learning for the little ones. you pushed me to find beauty in vast amounts of fields and open land. you forced a more laid back attitude upon me. and i hate that i don’t hate it as much as i want to.